Your Divorce GPS

 

 

Taking a Position Gets You Stuck

Have you ever lost the chance to mend a relationship, or create a better solution because you weren't willing to see the other person's point of view?

In the news, both locally and globally, there are huge pushbacks at government.  Perceived highhanded government stirs many emotions. With people being killed and/or injured as they protest, there is evidence that dialogue may not be an option for solving problems – actions speak louder than words. But is that really true?

In the U.S. we have plenty of “big guys” throwing their weight around.

In Wisconsin, where I live, Governor Scott Walker has made no bones about his position within his party and the view that “right” action comes in only one package. Across the country people watch and start taking positions of their own in response to similar actions by their legislators.

In many ways our personal lives are no different.

Compromise and Deal Making

My belief is that the outer world you occupy reflects the world inside. At the source of all the economic and political pressures, and environmental happenings, you find people. At the source of personal relationships you find people.

If you chose to hold a position of having the right view in your relationship, you will likely find yourself in conflict.

The outlook for compromise and deal making in Wisconsin is not good – going forward. What is the outlook for compromise and deal making in your relationship?

A New Mindset

I hear people talk about the pain in their relationships and how the other person is to blame in some way. I have been guilty of taking that view too. But when you take the high ground the result is not one of connection, workability, and ultimately happiness.

There is another mindset that brings results for both sides – become a beginner and acquire new skills.

My journey in life includes divorce. When I married for a second time secure in my view that I had a new mindset and better relationship skills, I was surprised to find some of the same upsetting things reoccurring

My attention was drawn to the fact that I was experiencing some of the same upsets with an entirely new person. But, there was one constant in the equation – me. I discovered that maintaining a beginner’s mindset is work always in progress.

What’s Next?

There is no substitute for the experiences of personal growth. Whether you are a child who has gotten burnt touching a hot burner on the stove, or an athlete pushing past the former record time for an event, there is valuable knowledge to be gained.

I have found that the first place to gain knowledge in relationships, is finding out about you. That can be a tall order. Drilling down further I recommend starting with your needs. Knowing your needs give you information about what is upsetting you. You have a place to focus.

The other person in your relationship has needs too, and these may be in conflict with yours.

Now we are back to dialoging, compromising and deal making. When emotions run high these can be challenging. You need a map, a way to navigate. Self- knowledge is a valuable place to start

How is it going for you

Let me know how working out compromises and deals is going for you. Have you found ways to create win/win in your relationship

Leave a comment I’d love to hear about your successes

…..just in case you want more

I’ve spent many years studying human beings, young and old, looking for better ways to create great relationships. There are lots of tools and guides to do this.

If you go to my site you can find my complimentary “Seven Days to Healthier Relationships” mini course to get you started.

"Shoulds" Carry Lots of Weight

I’ve been divorced twice and in each case I had hard decisions to make and different circumstances weighing in on the process. There were many well-meaning friends, and co-workers, that had opinions and experiences of their own to share with me. Late at night I would read experts views on my situation. My head was swirling and my heart was breaking.

Having a clear mind and heart is essential when making decisions about your future and those you love.  There are many things to consider and many unknowns. You probably don’t have a crystal ball to consult and you probably do have an outcome that you desire.

Do you know the right questions to ask yourself? How are you going to determine those? After getting some answers, what do you chose?

What Should I Do?

         With so many people’s lives in the mix it’s sometimes hard to know where to turn and how to evaluate advice. Sometimes we are pressured by time and money issues, or our emotions are strong and cloud our thinking.

I’m reminded of a story I read as a child about a man, his son, and a donkey. The three were going to go on a journey to a nearby town. They set off with the man leading the donkey by a rope and the son walking along beside him.

It wasn’t long and they came upon some people who criticized the man for making his son walk-what a terrible thing when there was a donkey he could ride. The man put his son up on the donkey and they continued. Not far down the road they came upon another group of travelers who scolded the boy for making his father walk-how disrespectful - and they changed places.

Just as they approached a bridge going over a river a passerby pointed out that the donkey looked so tired and they should give him a rest and carry him over the bridge. After some effort and second thoughts about the idea, the man and the boy succeeded in getting the donkey up on they shoulders and proceeded to cross the bridge. As luck would have it the man and the boy lost their balance and the donkey tumbled off their shoulders into the water below.

Listening to the values of others, over your own, can have a disastrous outcome. You could be left to deal with a resulting situation that could have been avoided. 

Deciding What You Want

There are lots of “shoulds” in life that can cloud our access to what we truly want. There are parents’ past voices, teachers’ advice, professionals’/experts’ opinions, friends’ and co-workers’ experiences, and our own fears and worries in the mix.  As the man, the boy and the donkey found out, other people along the way had differing points of view, and making others happy resulted in a disaster.

Have you let yourself be influenced by another point of view when you knew your heart and your values were in conflict with it?  If you stopped trusting yourself because someone else thought you should take a particular course of action, reconsider those choices from your heart.. This is your life, other points of view have a place in decision-making, but you get the final vote on what is best for you

Take the action you can live with when you get to the end of your journey. Sometimes it’s hard to go against a tide of opinion. But you and your loved ones will be living with the consequences no matter what you do. You will live better with things that you chose even if they don’t turn out as well as you had hoped. Sometimes we can’t see the wisdom of something until later - hindsight is always 20/20.

Living and Trusting Your Decisions

Most of us get blown off course many times in our life. Life has challenges and conflict with, or with out divorce.  We can count on being put into new scenarios that we didn’t script. The thing we have going for us is: we can make our own choices and take actions that align with our hearts and values.

No one but us can find the answers to our life’s challenges. Our hearts contain the road map that we can follow. But we must still ourselves long enough to hear what is there and trust the guidance.  To go against our own hearts and values because others think we should will not turn out well.. as it didn’t for the man, the boy and the donkey.

WIN/WIN vs "TOP DOG"

There is no doubt that divorcing is lots of work, emotions, seconding guessing, decisions, and a host of other things. Each divorce is personal, and that makes it hard too. Sometimes I've wondered;  "is this the same person I married?" A phone call from our "Ex", or paperwork will come back from their attorney that makes no sense, or seems mean, or vindictive. There were times when having a "truth serum" or "magic potion" would come in handy- at least would help get to the bottom of the issue. Misunderstanding and misinterpreting is everywhere.

The truth is, both people need to get something out of this process that works for them, or it will be a continual battle to get to be "Top Dog".  In working with people in this process it helps to have a map, or steps to follow. I have one that has worked for me and others. I developed it after many mistakes, much heartache, tunnels with no cheese, after realizing this process had to be a "win/win" or it was going to continue being a "fight to the finish".

There are lots of places that talk about, win/win, the phrase even gives itself away.  This in one of those things where the idea is easy-the mastery is hard. It's hard at first, but once you've sipped from the nectar of this blossom you will not want to go back to fight to the finish. The work to get to win/win is worth it. 

To receive a complimentary strategy session to explore win/win mastery, or creating your divorce map- just email me at the email me link on the front page.

What does underwear have to do with it?

I'm amazed at how much time we each spend planning our vacation and how little is spent on the things that effect the quality of our lives in other areas like- money management, tax planning, career, education, health, relationships, the environment.... But vacations are so much more fun.

My own situation illustrates how easy it is to pass right by something in pursuit of the "feel good" pay off. I found it no fun to dig through my check book register and pay stubs, credit card statements, invoices and bills to come up with an expense summary for my attorney. UGH! My heart goes out to anyone who has to do this. Not only is it time consuming but it invades your privacy- like the neighbors going through your underwear draw.

O.K. When you get divorced there are information gathering events and strategy sessions whether you like it or not. These are necessary. If the best result is to be achieved then homework must be done-attorneys might call this discovery. Whatever it is called- work is required by you and play would be much more fun. Isn't that why we like vacations?

It may seem a unusual to consider playing possible in this situation-but here's the thing-making a game out of a tough situation may be just the thing to get it done. Whether it's a "Sherlock Holmes" style discovery game, or beat the clock game- you pick. I've invented many games that carried me through challenging situations and have a knack for empowering others to create their own.

If someone is going to be looking in your "underwear drawer" to decide your future, wouldn't you like to have lots to say about it? I would- and did. Get the deed done-make the time- create a game to keep you going. You will thank yourself for it.

Old Postings Gone

I'm re-vamping and updating my blog. Maybe it's like cleaning out my closet-making room for new things and getting rid of old things. Also, finding out that the divorce rate is inching toward 60% impacting lots of people is spurring me on.

I've been divorced twice-each time children were involved- first time in 1989 and second time 2005. Those dates were the official years when the decrees were recorded. But you and I know that lots led up to those dates. For some of the time I felt like I had power and something to say about how things went- afterwords I discovered missing pieces and things I wish I'd done differently.

Whoever you are and wherever you are in the divorcing process, I feel for you and where you may find yourself. I hope that sharing my experiences and years of education and helping others, will help you make decisions and create a new life out of this experience- a life you have designed and are living.

I'm right, they're wrong!

O.K. so you are certain that you are right about (fill in the blank)? 

Maybe you are right, maybe you aren't. The real question is, does it really matter? Does being right make you any happier? Does being right get you what you want? I imagine you think it does.
Well, what does that get you? Can you communicate any better with your EX if you are right? If you have kids, are they applauding your "rightness", do they sleep better at night with that knowledge? Will your bank account look any bigger, or your future any brighter?

One of my mentors, Terry Real, asked this question and shook my roots with it. I never thought about whether being "right" got me anywhere. It is a great question to ask, does being right gain me anything here?

Attorneys may have the right answers for the law of divorce, at least an interpretation for the right answers. Judges may have to make weighty decisions about property and custody, but I wonder if the law and it's practitioners are what really makes the difference to our happiness? Maybe it has more to do with TRUST; trust of ourselves, trust in the professionals we hired to help us.   Maybe it has more to do with what you want out of the divorce.

Have you asked yourself is there a win/win in this? Asking the question,"does my being right get me anything" is a great place to hang out when thorny issues arise.

If you are interested in delving into the question of -is my being "right" getting me anywhere?  If you would like to feel that you are moving toward your dreams with a map/plan, not away from them.  Receive a complimentary strategy session- email me on the front page at EMAIL ME.